Terrorizer in the Tunnel

Mothers. They come in all sorts of parenting breeds. Strict ones, lax ones, over reactive ones. Nice ones, mean ones, somewhere in between ones. Fun ones, dull ones, over the top ones. Silly ones, chilly ones, unlearned and learn-ed ones. And while most mothers are a mixture of those things at one time or the other, it should be said that mothers are great.

Most of the time.

Sometimes, however, a mother becomes blinded by her devotion to her children. This blindness will eventually lead to problems. Problems for her children or problems for those in her association. I had an encounter with such a mother yesterday at Chic-Filet.

Our small group had gathered at the restaurant chain for lunch so our children could run around in the play place. The playground was relatively small and encased. There wasn't room for parents to sit inside, instead there were tables lined up along the glass windows where the children could be watched.

The four children eagerly bounded up the tunnels and stairs and began playing. No more than five minutes had passed when Christopher came out looking distressed. "Mom", he said, "that boy up there kicked me in my stomach." Christopher's mom said, "I'm sorry sweetie, are you o.k.?" "Yes, but he kicked me." "I'm sorry, it was probably an accident. There are lots of kids climbing up there."

The benefit of the doubt was given to the tall, dark headed, orange shirt clad boy. It is what I would have done. Bumps and pushes are fairly common in a crowded jungle gym. You don't make too big of a deal about it because you know it could be your own child who in their haste to get to a coveted tunnel or slide pushes past a smaller child causing hurt feelings.

Another five minutes passed and Christopher came out again. "Mom! That boy kicked me in my tummy again!" Now the Mommy alarms start to go off. One time is an accident. Two times is something to be watched. Christopher's mom gave loves and suggested he take a break. Christopher didn't want to so we tell the children to stay away from the boy. We turn our chairs at a better angle to observe.

Sure enough a few minutes later Jackie jumps up and runs in the playground. Orange boy has kicked again. He won't let any kid pass through "his" tunnel and as they get close he kicks them. Christopher's little brother Tyler, who is just 2, takes none of Orange boy's agression aimed at him and defends himself. He starts to hit the boy and in return, takes a nasty hit from the much older, much larger, boy.

Jackie got her boys down and we saw the results of Orange Boy's domination of the tunnels. Christopher has a red, swollen mark on his cheek and Tyler has a nice sized black and blue lump under his eye. The mother to this boy isn't around so we haul all four of our children out and have them eat cupcakes for awhile, hoping Orange Boy and family will clear out.

One by one during the cupcake break the other children in the play place came out crying and in search of their moms. None of us at our table doubted the reason why.

Eventually the cupcakes were eaten and the kids were anxious to go play. We say they can try it again but do not go near Orange Boy. This time all we really do is watch. Sure enough the situation starts to repeat itself. We can see it. The boys try to crawl through the tunnel, which is being guarded by Orange boy, and he kicks them. Jackie goes in and tells her kids to come down. Now the other kids in our group are upset as well because Orange boy is calling them stupid. Finally Orange Boy's mom shows up. I'm there just in case extra woman power is needed though I doubted it: Jackie is fired up and is ready for a throw down if needed.

This mom can hear us telling our kids to get away from her son. She looked at Jackie and finally Jackie, in a calm, rational tone said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is kicking everybody that goes near the tunnel. He is also calling them stupid." This mom calls Orange Boy down and he denies ever kicking them or doing anything to them. So she says to Jackie, "He said he didn't do it." Jackie pulls her boys over and shows her the welts on her sons' faces caused by her son. The mother pointed at Tyler and said, "Well I came in here and saw him hitting my boy." Jackie said, "Yes, because your son started kicking him and he was protecting himself and his brother. AND he's 2!" "2 or not, it's still hitting." "Yes", replied Jackie, "It is, but I at least talked to my son about it and he never hit again. Your son is kicking everyone because he wants to. Our kids are trying to stick up for themselves."

I must interrupt the story here and point out that if the mother had seen Tyler hitting her son, she saw her son hit back. The 2 incidents happened on top of each other. She must have known something was up. And even if Tyler had been the instigator who lets their 7/8 year old son wail on a 2 year old? And why leave the area so you can't see what's going on after that? How do you not pull your son out and inquire what's happening? Anyway, back to the story...

The mother said to Orange Boy, "Come on, let's go out while they're in here." Orange boy threw a royal, aggressive fit. He screamed and hit the tunnel saying, "I don't want to go out! I didn't do anything." His mother said, "I know you didn't do anything. They're saying things. I know you didn't do anything. Let's just go out while these people are here. You didn't do anything wrong." As she was leaving she turned to another kid who was with her group and asked about kicking. This kid said, "Yes, but he didn't want them up there." The mom then said, "I know." and then proceeds to justify the actions of Orange Boy.

As I stood there watching I couldn't believe this mother was so blinded. The evidence was mounted against her. Not just our children were crying, but all the kids were. Another boy admitted her son was kicking, just tried to justify it. It was unbelievable to me. This boy was a bully, a terrorizer of the Chic-Filet tunnel. Instead of making her son apologize or even herself apologizing, she was angry at our accusations and told her son he was in the right.

I make many mistakes as a parent. Yet one thing I can say is that if my children have ever been accused of pushing, hitting, etc I have always made them apologize, or I have apologized. It's behavior I don't tolerate and it is handled if it happens. Moms know kids do these things. I think as moms we tend to be a forgiving and understanding lot. Assuming the moms around us are the same. Had Orange Boy's mom even showed a sign of sympathy, understanding, or remorse, she would have been met with comments like, "thanks for talking to him, we've been there. kids love to be in charge.", or something similar.

Instead the mom allowed Orange Boy to get away with his actions and worse, basically tell him it was ok. I feel bad for the next bunch of kids that get in his way. I feel bad for the mom who refused to see her son's issues and use it as a teaching moment. It could have been a good opportunity for this boy to learn play ground etiquette. They say pride goeth before the fall. I hope a mother's pride doesn't cause the fall of her boy. It was obvious to bystanders that this boy was hurting other children.

With Orange Boy gone, tranquility resumed at the Chic-Filet play place. Other children ventured back in. No shouting or screaming was heard for the next hour. Instead we watched as children from various families gathered in a circle discussing what game should be played, how the teams should be divided, and so forth. It was fun to watch. No fighting, no kicking, nothing negative. In fact, the only tears we had after that was from the protests of having to leave. And those tears I can handle.