Queen Bees and Wanna Bees

I read this book last year, "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees", for a book club. It's about young girls in schools, activities, etc and how they treat each other. Basically, it's about how mean girls can be to each other, how girls respond to this treatment, etc. As I read it I didn't doubt that many of the types of girls existed as well as the scenarios. However I didn't stew over it because, well, my daughter was going into first grade. How mean can first graders really be to each other? I figured I would have to start worrying about this in third grade.

I was wrong. Let me share with you what Claire is already witnessing and experiencing. Enter child, who we shall call Jane, as in Jane Doe. Jane is not in Claire's home class but has other extracurricular activities where Claire is there. The first graders all go to recess together as well. I first noticed Jane when I was there observing recess. She was very exclusive to other children. Only certain girls were allowed to play with her. Girls would come up to her at recess and ask if they could play and she would flat out tell them no.

This shocked me and I was tempted to tell the teachers that we had an exclusive bunch on the playground. But I also know not every one grows up being friends, we all tend to hang out with those we have the most in common with, so I thought maybe (well let's say I was hoping) it was just a bad mix in chemistry.

Jane, by society standards, would be labeled as cute, stylish, and knowledgeable about what society says is popular and trendy. Other girls see her dancing around, singing popular songs, and want to act like she does.

I first had a negative experience with Jane when last year Claire was supposed to ride in her car for some activity. As I tried to help her mom (who is a really neat person) get Claire's car seat in the car, Jane started whining and crying, "I don't want her in the car. I don't want her to come with us." Her mom told her to stop and said to me, "I'm sorry, she's really tired and out of sorts." I believed her for I have children who get really cranky and say unkind things when they're tired.

So that happened a year ago and I had forgotten about it until I noticed what was happening at recess. Then I began to wonder if she had really been tired after all. I let it go mostly because it was not affecting Claire. Claire seems happy enough wandering from one thing to another at recess time. She likes to play with different people and even likes to play by herself.

Then about a month ago I was picking Claire up from an activity early. I was standing by a table where Jane, and 2 other girls were sitting. One girl, who we'll call Side Kick, was obviously "in" with Jane. The other girl, who we'll call Dulce, was not. Dulce is a very sweet girl. She is in Claire's class. She would not probably be judged by society as trendy and cute, but I think she is.
Anyway, here is the conversation that took place between them:

Jane: Well I'm going to start a club.

Dulce: OH! Can I be in your club?

Jane: No.

I stood there in disbelief. Did Jane not have any idea of how rude that was or see the crushed look on Dulce's face? I wanted to go over and say, "Excuse me, that was rude." But the conversation wasn't over.

Side Kick: Can I be in your club?

Jane: Yes.

Side Kick: I'm going to start a club too.

Dulce: Can I be in your club?

At this point I walk over closer to the girls hoping that an adult presence would make Side Kick choose a nice answer.

Side Kick: (Looking up at me, then at Dulce) Well, I have to think about it. But if I say no, that's ok.

I wanted to scream, "NO, it's not ok. It is hurtful." Still I didn't say anything. I sat there pondering what exactly I should say or do. I didn't want to cause a scene in the middle of the activity, but I didn't want to be one of these people who see/hear something bad and do nothing.

At this time Claire came running up and said, "I'm ready!"

So I took her and left. In the car we had a very long talk about clubs. I asked her if she knew what a club was. She didn't really know so I explained what they were. I told her that things like Daisy Scouts were a type of club. I explained that there are good clubs and there are bad clubs. I said a good club is one that invites everyone to participate. I gave the example of Daisy's. Daisy's is a good club because every single girl in first grade is invited to participate. Some girls or their parents choose not to be in it, but if they change their mind, they can be in it. That's a good club. I asked her what a bad club might be. She said, "Something that doesn't let everyone participate."

Then she asked me why we were talking about clubs. I told her what I had seen. I tried to be very non-emotional about it. I didn't say anything like, "She is so rude, mean, etc." I simply repeated what I had heard. Claire replied, "Oh, well she's like that at recess. It's like she has a club at recess, but not a good one because she tells people they can't play with her." My eyebrows raised a bit. So Claire had noticed. I asked Claire if Jane had ever told her no. She said, "I don't even ask, mom."

We let it go and then a couple of weeks ago Claire went to a party where Jane was. I dropped Claire off but came back early because I had a feeling I should just be there. When I got there the girls were around the table. Jane had won a "Snakes and Ladders" game. She then said, "Who wants to play with me?" Claire's hand shot up and waved, along with one other girl. Jane looked at them and then said, "I pick Trudy and Judy." (The 2 girls who play with her at recess, names changed). Now what was amazing was that Trudy and Judy didn't even have their hands up. In fact, Trudy and Judy said, "Hey we don't even want to play." So Claire started waving her hand and so did the other girl. Then Jane just said, "We're not going to play."

Ok, I really wanted to say to her, "Look, this is really unkind behavior." I knew this action would not go unmissed by Claire, nor would the intention behind it go over her head. Again though, it was someone else's party and I didn't want to embarass Claire either by saying something. So I sat there formulating how we could turn this into a good learning experience for Claire.

On the way home I asked Claire if she had fun. She said it was fun. I said, "You know Claire, I really like how you try to play with everyone." It was the opening in the door that Claire needed. "Yeah, well not Jane! I had my hand raised to play this game and she didn't pick me. She picked the girls she plays with at recess and they didn't even want to play! She just didn't want to play with me!" I told her I was sorry that happened and that she must have felt very sad. "Yes I was and I was mad! I think it was really rude!" I told her it was rude and that I'm glad she has chosen not to be that way.

Claire was still upset and said, "I hope I'm never in her class at school. She is not nice to people." I said, "Well Claire, it might be a good thing if you all are in the same class some day." A Hmmpf. "Why mom?" I then explained that she could set a good example for Jane. "Well I'm not playing with her if she ever asks me to play." So I then explained that it was fine to be friends with Jane, but that she would have to be a strong friend and remind Jane to be nice to everyone. Then Claire said, "Mom, if we're ever in the same class and Jane wants me to play with her, I'll say yes. But if anyone comes up and asks us if they can play and Jane says no, I'm going to turn to her and say, 'Jane, if you don't let them play then I am not going to play with you because it's not nice to leave people out."

I told her I thought that was a great idea. I asked her what she thought would happen. She thought for a bit and said, "Well mom, she'll probably say, 'fine go on then' and not care if I leave. But maybe if I still do that then other girls playing with her will follow me because they know inside it isn't nice to leave people out. But maybe no one will come but I'll still leave because it is no fun being left out."

I was very impressed with her response. Mostly impressed with the realistic results she came up with. I told her again I was sorry that her feelings had been hurt but in some ways I was glad she had that experience because it would help her remember how we should treat other people. It would make her a stronger person because of it. She said, "Yeah, no one should have to feel like that." Again I told her of my love for her and that I was proud of the decisions she was making. I believe that kids often need to think about and choose what they'll do in situations BEFORE they happen because in the moment it can be too easy to do what everyone else is doing.

Claire did ask me if I liked Jane and I said, "Yes, I like all your first grade friends. I am sad she makes people feel bad but we can still choose to be nice to her and set good examples and hope that one day she'll want to change. "

Anyway, now you see that cliques can start very early and how children at an early age are so easily influenced by the world around them. I hope Claire continues to be strong. She does amaze me though with what she comprehends about the world around her. I don't think much goes over her head.